MY CUNNING PLAN IS WHEELY FUELPROOF
I’VE solved the fuel problem. I know. Don’t thank me. It was nothing, really.
Here’s the deal as I see it: The price of fuel has gone up because, apparently, there’s less of the stuff around and the stuff that is around is still mostly controlled by this OPEC mob.
A cartel a bit like the Colombian ones that control the cocaine industry. But with less honour and respect for its customers.
The Russians have chanced upon a load of it, too. And they’re a bit nutty to deal with as well, unfortunately.
The big petrol companies like BP and Esso shaft us at the pumps with reckless glee. God forbid they should absorb the rising costs into their own vast profits. Oh no.
They pass it directly on to us, while their fat cat bosses take home millions in bonuses because they have raped us for another few quid.
We’ve got two choices, as I see it. We can attack the oil companies. Literally. We invaded Iraq to try to get cheaper petrol, why not invade the offices of OPEC or BP?
Take them over, install some stiff-upper-lipped, multi-barrel-named Army commander to divvy it up among us all until there’s nothing left, THEN they give it back to the oil companies and say, much like a mother does to a three-year-old child with a toy: “Here’s your oil company back. Mind and play nicely this time, otherwise I’ll just take it away again.”
Choice No 2? Stop using cars. I don’t mean use the car less or fit more colleagues in it on the way to work. But Britain stops using it, full stop.
We all travel to work on bikes if we’re within 10 miles. Think how great it would be riding a bike through town if there were no cars.
For longer journeys we’d still have the train. The only motor vehicles allowed would be tractors for farmers. And quad bikes so they can find lambs when they need to.
Just think of the fringe benefits, too. If we have no cars, we won’t have any road rage. Or any car stereos, which means we won’t have any dickheads who feel duty bound to share with the world their latest drum ’n’ bass purchase at seven squillion decibels.
If we have no cars then we won’t have any bright yellow cars. I hate bright yellow cars. We won’t have any robberies or drive-by shootings, because there would be no getaway cars.
Talking of robbery, if we had no cars we’d have no motorway service stations charging £12 for a tasteless sausage, solid bacon, hard egg and oily mushrooms that they somehow get away with calling a Full English Breakfast. More like Fool English Breakfast.
Stop the cars or stop the petrol companies: the only conceivable ways we will survive this fuel crisis without having to drop our trousers down to our ankles and bending over.
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